The twelve days of Christmas

13 December

My Dearest H,
C and I received your partridge in a pear tree today. What a lovely surprise! When you said you wanted to improve our relationship for the sake of the children, I was wary. What a fool I was! You're a wonderful woman. And the private messenger-what a unique touch! Have a happy Christmas, my dear.
All my Love,
S

14 December

Dear H,
The turtle doves are precious! Claire adores them. How can we thank you?
Love,
S

17 December

Dear H,
Sorry I didn't email sooner. So busy opening up and enjoying your gifts. French hens,calling birds,golden rings! C actually does a dance every time a package is delivered. Thank you, lovely one.
Best Wishes,
S

19 December

H,
Weren't we the startled pair when the geese and swans arrived! Its causing a bit of consternation, however. Did you realise how difficult it is to clean up after geese? And we had to give up our bathtub to the swans. Do you know where we can donate them? After the holidays, of course :-). We will try to keep up our Christmas spirit as you have. Please forget us for now. You've done more than enough! Concentrate on your holiday. Please.
Your Ex-Husband,
S

21 December

Dear Bitch,
We're overrun with all of these maids a milking a nd ladies dancing! Are you joking? Both C and I are trying to clear up things at work so we can go to the continent for the New Year. How can we leave all of this mess?
Have pity,
S

22 December

H you Salacious Slag,
Well, we had to cancel our travel plans. Thanks, H! Are you happy now? These lords a leaping are the last straw! They lock themselves into the bedrooms with the maids and ladies. I can't go further, its too disgusting. Our cleaning lady quit(and as I write this, is bringing up charges!). We can't keep up with groceries! We put a lock on the refrigerator but they order pizza. The lords are demanding fresh venison. This has to stop! C cries all the time. I'm warning you!
I hate you,
S

24 December

You fiendish Harpie from hell,
Pipers piping and drummers drumming? Are you a complete sadist? We can't sleep with the constant din. We've run out of food. We can't bear any more. STOP IT! I hate you, C hates you. I'm going to get you, H. Just you wait and see.
Your Sworn enemy,
S



26 December

Dear Ms. S,
I am writing this on behalf of my clients, S C and C E. This is to inform you that they both have been committed to Happydale Psychiatric Hospital. One can only hope they will make a full recovery but their doctors fear it is hopeless. You are apparently to blame for this. I am in possession of all the police reports. Our legal team is working assiduously on their behalf in an effort to bring charges against you. You must take responsibility for your actions. You may not contact either party in any way. I will be in contact with your solicitor. You have been warned, Madam.

Roland Mayhew
Mayhew,Grumble,Strathmore and Mayhew
London