happy birthday sweet boy!

KENT STATE

I really hate these anniversaries. Fifty years? And get when I stop to contemplate what life was like for me then...it's like it happened yesterday.
i was attending FAU in Boca and would be turning 25 in a few weeks. My boyfriend and I were watching the Vietnam protests on a tv in his dorm 's lobby.  We saw the shootings at Kent State but it didn't register at first. "Thats rubber bullets,right?" Someone asked.  It was similar to the Kennedy shooting. No one said much.
 that night we had what we called a "lie in". Everyone brought a sleeping bag to congregate outside all night. It was impressive.there were hundreds of us.
that only lasted a few hours however.the university leashed a slew of campus  copsi to  disperse us. Unfortunately, one  such fool decided to pull a gun in the area where we were. I froze,too scared to move. My boyfriend literally had to half carry me off the field.
They shouldn't have done that.
No thanks for the memory.

The grudge

I feel that I'm too old and impatient for going into therapy again.instead I decided to eliminate all toxic peop!e and things from my life.and to vent,which is healthy.
These nasty "mean girl" comments came from across the pond and I will never get over.never.never.why?.because when you're not there to defend.youtself,it rankles forever into eternity.
The spokeswoman?Harriet S.  I'm reference to my having Georg y and Andrew, she remarked that maybe I was ignorant about birth contro!.
This assumes that I, a 33 year old woman,was a slovenly creature from a trailer park, a literal cow with straw hanging out of her hair. Also, should not these children have been born?
In actuality, I was a fairly worldly woman(been around the track a few times as we say in the trailer park) who desired to become pregnant.
Who is this reject from a Noel Coward play that she can say  who should be born or not born?
If anyone says ANYTHING negative about me, DO NOT.tell me!
So there. I feel better.

The hereafter and all that

I have mentioned a few thoughts about how things should be handled when I breathe my !last but here is the latest update.
Cremation of course.that will.not change.
However where my ashes should be scattered has changed.
I've run into so much prejudice on my being Southern that New England is the last p!ace I'd want to be.
Instead I want to return to where I came from.but where? I decided on Virginia  since I was born there.I intend to delve more into my father's side of the fami!y via ancestry.com since there are too many ???? For me to ignore.I can make up for all the family reunions I missed out on.but what about the cemetery visits my children visited? Was that in West virginia? I can leave that up to whoever carries this out.
This is important to me.if this can't be done,just toss me in the trash.
I fervantly hope my granddaughter can visit this area someday because this is part of her heritage.something she can be proud of.as I am. When I go it's all gone.
I a!so believe in haunting. Yes, I do.

thrilling days of yesteryear

My last entry was fairly grim so I thought I would pick little pieces of my life,shake them out like old forgotten sweaters and smile at the memories they evoke. Thats my life-never a whole piece but little badly stitched up corners. Don't knock the corners though-some are kind of cool.
How do you know its love? No, not his kiss.
First-
In a good place with Rhett, no a glorious place. I was visiting him at his family home in Largo,Fl. 
We were driving through St. Petersburg ,making fun at all the old people(yes,I know.Karma is a bitch).  "Happy Together" by the Turtles was playing on the radio.The Turtles might have been considered bubble gum musc except for the fact that everybdy loved the Turtles. We turned up the sound as far as it would go.we all did this to irritate the older generation because they hated our music so much.
Rhett held my hand and we sang that song LOUD. We looked at each other,full of love and happiness. That was the best,absolutely the best moment ever.  I'll always love you,Rhett.  Peace.
Second-
My boyfriend Vic and I went t see "Beatlemania" in Boston. Okay, I thought I was in love. We walked back to my apartment in Beacon Hill via the common and held hands and sang "Yesterday" at the top of our lungs. It was what I called a "movie set" moment. No one existed but us.
Was it the music of our generation that was the connectve tissue of our relationships? Did we have "our song"? yes. With Rhett it was "Bridge over Troubled Waters" With Vic it was"Your Smiling Face"(James Taylor). So Aha! Theres your proof.
Both relationships ended badly but thats life.  I've always believed that I'm a damaged person but still wanted to try to grab the golden ring. I wanted to go as far as I can while realizing my limitations. The "60's" culture was perfect for me in many ways I remember a walk on the beach with a group of friends in Provincetown.  One person shouted "This is my second childhood" while throwing himself into the surf. "No. This IS our childhood" said the guy I was seeing(briefly,always briefly.I don't remember his name but he had a beautiful white german shepherd). So many of us were lost children.
Brief but glorious and sometimes love. I'll take it.

Looking for Mr. Goodbar, a nightmare.

I've been wrestling with this for many years. Always unspoken and yes, will remain so. For now.  I was definitely going to do my blog on what happened to me.  I mean its ME TOO after all. Isn't it my responsibility as a woman, as a mother of a daughter,a grandmother to a granddaughter?

So here goes.  Today this would be knwn as date rape, which makes it sound like a happy jaunt to the corner malt shop that might end in a slap to a face and a horrified,"How dare you!".Sort of jane Austin in converse sneakers. If only.

I was making a permanent move to Boston(after wild summers on the cape). I had just turned 27...so no I wasn' t a baby but had believed in the inmemorable lie men have always believed- that what is pretty is good.

I'll just say it. for the first time ever, I was raped. With only a badly bruised wrist to show for it.  It was on a date ( how I hate that word) so you don't talk about it. thats the way it was.  The effect was immediate. For almost 2 years, the only males I would socialize with were my gay friends. I gained alot of weight.I was miserable. My friends wanted to know what was wrong with me. I couldn't articulate it at that time but I guess I didn't want that horrific event to own me.Plus I was lonely.I'm human.  I had an awful childhood. Did that own me? I'm still finding out how those years shaped me.Scary! but trapped me in its web?  god no! I fight that every day.

So do I feel better now that I've voiced that horror? Somewhat. At least my self-nagging has stopped.I can be pretty hard on myself.Someday I'll feel comfortable in my own skin. This is a good start.

My heart breaks for you, Dr. Ford,,good luck!

Fifty years?    Noooooooooooo!

This should have registered earlier but..I do not know, maybe dying brain cells.  No, its summer and July and it only took one reference to summer of love to bring in sharper focus.  Fifty years ago was 1967 and that was a special yearthat  changed the world for me and mine.
It was so simple really.
I was going to Haight-Ashbury but lacked the funds so stayed with a friends family in Miami (Perrine to be exact). I worked at a steakhouse and got involved with a serviceman (Air Force).  Unfortunately the family was insane(creepy older brother roaming the halls at night) and ended badly with Jim(this is why I hate House of the rising sun ).  I gave up my flowers in my hair city and decided on Hyannis because I love the Kennedys.
I took a train and ended up in Providence RI(1st one in my family to set foot in New England) to await my missing luggage. Someone suggested(some random sadist) Provincetown so in a few days I took a bus to said location.  Other stories on Provincetown so I will not bore my reader.
The point is- I ended up going to Ptown just about every summer and ended up moving to Boston.  So that summer of 1967 lead to my establishing roots in this crazy place for me and my kids..and their kids and so on.
All in all, a good decision I think.  But 50 years?!!!  No way.😛😕